Tea Time & Awesome ID

Q: If your husband shoots you in the head, what should you do? A: Go make a cup of tea for arriving police officers. http://linkbee.com/3PTD

The Idiot's Guide to stopping underage beer drinkers. http://linkbee.com/3PVF

Oh No, Not Again

I seem to recall a recent news article in which a would-be bank robber burst into a decidedly NON bank and demanded the staff give him the money from the (non-existent) safe. But hey, we all make mistakes, right? After all, if you don't realise it's not a bank, it's probably a spur-of-the-moment unplanned thing that just didn't work out.

But these guys have one-upped him soundly. The clowns who planned a robbery of the Royal Bank of Scotland branch in Macclesfield, UK, seem to have done a fair bit of homework and preparation. They armed themselves with tools, including a drill. They then broke into a flat above the bank, and pulled back the carpet, to make their way down through the bank's ceiling.

Unfortunately, they ended up in the empty office next door to the bank.

After making a second attempt from a different room in the flat, they gave up and fled empty-handed.

Perfectly executed, guys, all except the "correct location" thing. Or as my father would say, "The operation was a success, but the patient died."

Fine Dining

As drug testing gets more thorough, the crims get more creative in ways to escape detection when they're moving it across borders. Recently a man was arrested for having a leg cast made entirely of cocaine - but this latest story even outdoes that.

Spanish police have intercepted a 42-piece dinnerware set made entirely of compressed cocaine.

The elaborate disguise had been sent by registered delivery from Venezuela and contained more than 20 kilograms (45 pounds) of the drug, and was even glazed and painted blue with flowers.

A 35-year-old man has been arrested.

One Lucky Kid

A three-year-old boy in India has narrowly escaped death when he fell from a balcony and was impaled by a metal rod. Passing completely through his torso, it had not pierced any of his major organs.

Doctors were astonished to discover the child fully conscious on arrival. And amazingly, he had no major injuries. It took them four hours to remove the rod, but apart from bruising and blood loss, he was generally none the worse for wear.

You can see a pic here (warning, not for the squeamish): http://twitpic.com/2mjpd

A Match Made In, um, hrm...

Staff at the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust in Sussex, UK have been left bemused recently, after failing to breed the rare New Zealand Blue Duck.

Their breeding couple, Jerry and Cherry, had ignored each other for years, so they decided to introduce a second male in the hope that he would take more interest in Cherry than Jerry had.

But onlookers were left scratching their heads when newcomer Ben only had eyes for the other male. Staff say they make a lovely couple, but it's thrown plans for breeding up in the air.

Now Cherry swims sadly by herself as the pair of gay drakes sing to each other and parade around the enclosure.

Don't Get Fresh!

This isn't a very recent story but it still struck me as amusing.

A 71-year-old woman was found to be carrying a leather club (known as a blackjack) as she passed through security screening at Tampa Airport, Florida.

When questioned, she told them it was to "smack people's hands when they got fresh". That's the part that has me laughing.

DON'T GET FRESH WITH 71-YEAR-OLD LADIES! They might be carrying a weapon.

(Stick to getting fresh with 80-year-olds?)

Smarty's Learn To Drive School!

Just imagine what went through the mind of a Cebu Pacific pilot recently on his arrival at Legazpi airport, in the Philippines.

Right as he touched down with 80 passengers on board, a van sped over the tarmac in front of him, directly across the path of the hurtling plane.

A local aviation official's son was teaching his girlfriend how to drive. At an airport. At a busy airport being used. On The Runway. AS A PLANE WAS LANDING.

The pilot pulled the plane's nose off the tarmac and managed to get the plane airborne for a go-around, landing safely the second time. The aviation official, who had presumably granted his son access to the airport, has been suspended from duty.

There is no word on whether the girlfriend has passed her driving test.

Overdue Bill

A German mathematician who died 450 years ago has been sent a letter demanding that he pay television license fees.

Germany's GEZ broadcast fee collection office sent the bill to the last home address of Adam Ries, an algebra expert who bought the house in 1525. Residents returned the letter with a note explaining Ries had died in 1559, centuries before the invention of television and radio. They nonetheless received a reminder a few weeks later.

Thanks to Reuters

Dumb Criminal

Hypothetical: Let's just pretend you were a prisoner. And if you were a prisoner, let's just pretend you were stupid enough to try and escape.

And if you were a prisoner and you were stupid enough to escape... what would you do next? I hear you: a chorus of "Run!" and "Hide!" and "Get the hell away from the prison!"

I now present Dumb Criminal Exhibit A: a 25-year-old prison escapee in Georgia, USA, was caught sneaking back into prison.

(dramatic pause)

Please retrieve your jaw from the ground and return it to its regular upright position.

Evidently, he only snuck out to steal some cigarettes. What I can't get my head around was this, though: Dude. You're OUT. You know, OUTSIDE the fence? Free and stuff! How is taking cigarettes back into your cell a better option?

BBC

What De Feo?

A soccer team in Milan, Italy, is causing headaches all round - because every single one of its players has the surname De Feo.

Not only that, its secretary, doctor, coach and 12 sponsors are also De Feos.

The team's home ground can be found on Raffaele De Feo Street.

The word is that the Guinness Book of Records might be interested. And locals have observed they won't run out of potential players in a hurry - the name is very common.

Pink Elephants Are Flying

Ok, not really, but a pink dolphin is swimming.

Yes, really. A unique albino bottlenose dolphin in Lake Calcasieu, Louisiana, has tourists swarming for a glimpse.

"Pinky" is believed to be the only pink dolphin in the world, and has "reddish" eyes. It is usually spotted with its dark grey mother.

There are only 14 other known albino dolphins in the world, all of them white.

Story and more photos: News.com.au

Travelling OOPS!

When Samantha Lazzaris saved up for a holiday halfway round the world, she was careful about choosing the perfect destination.

However, it seems her travel agent exercised a little less care.

Instead of arriving at San Jose airport in Costa Rica, Central America, her plane landed in San Juan on the Caribbean island of Puerto Rico 1,300 miles away.

Read more at Mail Online

Darwin Award Nominee #2

A Russian man who was attempting to pleasure two women for 12 hours straight has died - because he had swallowed an ENTIRE BOTTLE of Viagra in order to do so.

28-year-old Sergey Tuganov had been offered a £3,000 bet by the two women, and took up the challenge. He apparently won the bet but minutes later succumbed to a heart attack.

The women called for an ambulance, but it was too late.

I suppose the money will pay for his funeral...