Emergency! Emergency!

You know, I always thought that the Emergency phone number was for, well, Emergencies. By their very definition, Emergencies aren't everyday calm occurrences. Nor are they benign inconveniences, or even Highly Annoying Tantrum-Inducing events.

Well, Latreasa Goodman of Florida disagrees with me.

Woman Calls Emergency over McNugget Shortage

Counterfeiting Gang Caught

Police have smashed a massive counterfeiting operation in the UK, run from a home in London.

More than £5 million worth of cash had been forged in £20- and €50-notes. The cash, produced in several locations throughout the UK, could be rolled out at up to £1600 per hour, and was almost flawless.

Police arrested eleven men in connection to the scam. Three have been acquitted, but among the charged were a 29-year-old, a 46-year-old, and a 52-year-old. But wait! There's more!

Police also charged men aged 58, 59, 60, and 69. But... wait for it - the operation's headquarters and main printing area was in the home of Dennis Hancox, aged 83.

Money can't buy youth, boys.

Hey Google Earth, Check This Out!

A teenager in the UK almost got away with the ultimate graffiti design - until a helicopter pilot spoiled all the fun.

Rory McInnes' parents were completely unaware that their son had painted an enormous 60-foot (20 metre) phallus on the roof of their home, when a journalist called them about the artwork. Rory's father, Andy, initially believed it was all a joke.

However, his son, currently in Brazil, eventually confessed via telephone.

Andy says that his son will be undoing his creative genius as soon as he returns to the UK.

Photo: KNS News

I Wish To Thank Myself

When you're about to give a worldwide-telecast speech in the presence of Barack Obama, it's probably a good idea to rehearse. Or at the very least, read through your lines so that you know what your speech is about.

Visiting The White House on St Patrick's Day, Prime Minister Brian Cowen of Ireland managed to get several paragraphs into his speech before noticing a problem - he was reading President Obama's words all over again. The teleprompter had accidentally shown the wrong talk. Turning to the President, all he could say was, "That's your speech!"

Obama, not missing a beat, chuckled, moved back to the microphone, and thanked himself for inviting everyone for the occasion.

Hazy Memory...

When you've been married ten years, one would think you can remember the ceremony. Or at the very least, remember the divorce. And people might find it a trifle odd if the two of you had never even slept in the same bed.

A 38-year-old Sydney man planned to get married this month but was unable to find his divorce papers from his previous marriage. Unfortunately, without proof that he was single, his marriage could not go ahead. But a search of the Births, Deaths and Marriages registry did not turn up any record of the divorce.

So the man went to the Family Law Court where the judge heard that the man believed he had been married ten years. There was no sexual partnership. He believed the day of the marriage must have slipped from memory because he was dependent on marijuana. Yet he distinctly remembered signing the divorce papers when they split up.

When they finally got hold of his "ex-wife", he found they'd never been married. And the form she had asked him to sign was the tenancy agreement.

I can only imagine the ex's reaction.

Yes, Yes, Yes, OUCH!

Playtime in the bedroom took on a whole new meaning for an American couple this week, when their experimental erotic toy went horribly wrong.

Apparently the man enjoys creating new devices. Now I suppose that isn't so unusual, except that he decided to employ a Sabre saw (also known as a Jigsaw). That's one of them in the picture.

The saw moves up and down rather quickly, but by virtue of it containing a blade, I'm not sure I'd recommend it as part of a sex toy ensemble. However, the hero of the story was not deterred by the whole "sharp and dangerous" issue, and attached it to a more conventional bedroom device.

Predictably, the saw teeth sliced straight through the rubber and caused injuries to the woman that I can only imagine. She had to be emergency-airlifted to hospital.

And after all that, it appears no charges will be laid, because she has told police the entire act was consensual. What? Yes, she agreed to it all. "Sure, honey, head towards me with a dangerous electric cutting tool! And then put it in a very sensitive place!"

It's fairly rare that a woman almost qualifies for a Darwin Award and survives.

It'll Be HOW Cold??!!

The BBC weather team have made an amazing temperature prediction for the second time in a month.

During a recent broadcast the map behind their weatherman showed the forecast temperature for Kent, England as an incredible -99°C (-146°F). The coldest-ever temperature officially recorded was -88°C (-126°F) in Antarctica.

Last month a different BBC broadcast predicted 232°C (450°F) in Windsor.

Pay For Toilet Joke - Upstaged?

A recent publicity stunt from budget airline Ryanair involved press releases to the effect that they would soon be charging to use the toilet. Although it has now been revealed as a joke, the airline has been inundated with feedback - and apart from the expected outrage, people are giggling along and suggesting other amusing revenue raisers.

Ryanair has jumped on the concept, and is now offering a prize of €1,000 to the person whose idea is chosen as the most creative.

Spokesperson Stephen McNamara said some of the best ideas received so far include selling toilet paper with chief executive Michael O'Leary's face on it and requiring a fee for reading the safety information.

Meanwhile, check out this fun snippet from 2007.

How To Have A Yale-Sized Tantrum

I really prefer the expression "tanty" though, because it's just so much more... mature. However, I digress.

The star of this story is a 21-year-old Yale University student from Ohio, USA, who while travelling with US Airways had a piece of luggage go missing. His XBox 360, to be precise. Now, I am led to believe that had the staff been kind enough to immediately go about replacing the item, there may have been no further ado.

However, the student claims he got "an unconscionable run-around" from them. So he moseyed on over to the Hamilton County Common Pleas Court and filed a claim for $1,700 (for the lost console) plus $1,000,000 damages.

One. Million. Dollars. A million dollars worth of tears. And all because he can't play Mario Cart with his little friends while eating Cheetos in his parents' basement. I can hear you all sobbing along in sympathy. All except my fiancé, that is. He's sitting there thinking, "Damn, I really need to fly with US Airways and have an XBox 360 go missing."

Wouldn't You Cry?

Experienced pilot and plane fanatic Peter Teichman must have felt like crying after taking his new pride and joy for a zoom.

He spent three-and-a-half years having a 1940 Hurricane Mark II Bomber restored, only to experience a mechanical brake failure in the landing gear as he brought it in from one of its first flights.

The Second World War plane tipped forwards onto its nose and bounced along the runway, smashing the propellor on its wild ride. Somehow, the plane did not flip, and nor was the pilot hurt (apart from his pride).

More info at the Telegraph

Sweet Tooth... or is that Teeth

Some criminals are so dumb that they make you want to grab them by the collar and say, "DUDE! Don't do it like that, LET ME GIVE YOU SOME POINTERS SO YOU DON'T GET CAUGHT."

Ahem.

An 18-year-old high school student in the USA got hold of his school's purchasing number and used it to order confectionary online.

He probably would have gotten away with it except for the sheer amount - he ordered $37,000 worth. Predictably, the company phoned the school to confirm that they ordered that much and wanted it delivered to a home address.

In cooperation with the police, they delivered the boy an empty box. The boy was then delivered to a cell.

I don't think that the USA has lockups for dumb people, but perhaps they should.

Aw Cute Hand-Holding!

A new clothing product has been developed which is sure to make single people all over the place groan out loud.

Wendy Feller came up with the idea for Smittens - mittens joined at one hand to allow couples to hold hands - while out on a romantic stroll with her husband.

He came up with the name, and they're available at her site, www.smittens.biz, for £18.

Not Another Bus Thief

A 13-year-old Beijing boy commandeered a city bus recently, going on a wild joyride that left a trail of smashed cars and other damage.

The driver returned from the bathroom at a transport terminal in eastern Beijing, only to find his bus gone.

But unlike the boy who pulled into a shop for cigarettes, this kid was presumably sober. And not only that, he knocked down two power poles and smashed into TWELVE cars on his journey. One of the cars was thrown through a building's front door.

This kid didn't stop until bystanders managed to kick the bus door in and grab him. And what did he have to say about the adventure? Nothing...

full story at News.com.au

How Not To Propose

Young and romantic Reed Harris put an engagement ring in the milkshake of his beloved Kaitlin Whipple, then challenged her to a chugging contest.

Kaitlin was the winner, finishing hers first - but unfortunately also the loser, since she swallowed the ring without noticing it.

Reed then had trouble convincing her that yes, she really HAD swallowed the ring. Once he had her x-ray in hand he was able to prove it, and formally propose.

When the ring finally appeared two days later, his now-fiancée said, "It arrived this morning and I have never been so excited about my bodily functions."

She said yes, by the way!

Um, it's um, it's...

What's round, shiny, silver and appears in the middle of a Google Map without any explanation?

Why, it's a UFO of course, and you should frantically report it to investigators!

The Romanian UFO Network has been inundated with people announcing that they've seen the UFO in farmland near Timisoara. The network's president, Paul Dorneanu, said, "I've been there... it is just a water pumping facility."

But people don't seem to believe him, preferring to think that aliens have chosen Romania as their new home.